Warty Nora Ward to star in Sacha Baron Cohen’s new film

Sacha Baron Cohen, creator of Ali G, Borat and Bruno has shocked Galwegians today with the revelation that “Warty” Nora Ward is just a character in his upcoming film Nora. Cohen has been roaming the streets of Galway in character for the past five years.

“I mean, that’s the most surprising part” said one confused Galwegian “I thought Warty Nora was around for the last twenty years. There’s no way she’s only there with five, when was that time she made front page of the advertiser?.”

Set for release in June 2010 Nora looks set to be typical Cohen fare. Nora Ward, simple country girl leaves Kilronan with hopes of making it as a model in the big city, only to find herself thwarted by the prejudice of those mainland savages.

One memorable scene sees a local councillor stumble out of O Connells pub singing “Hey Nora” – the local ditty sung along to the tune of DJ Otzi’s classic. The councillor is now seeking a high court injunction against the film.

“They’re making it out in such a way as I’d come off a savage. It’s gross misrepresentation of the highest order. These people are out to destroy me” said the councillor.

“I read Synge’s account of his stay on the Arann Islands” said Cohen of his inspiration. “It struck me that the Islanders thought the mainlanders were savages. I thought it’d be interesting to play that out as a character, and it turned out to be really fertile comedy ground.”

“As a Jew, I’ve always hated the Catholic Church, but you guys have only jumped on that bandwagon recently. After this Ryan report, people have been out burning churches, spitting on Convents, lynching priests, all that sort of thing. It’s all great work, don’t get me wrong, but I thought it’d be interesting to hold a mirror up to that sense of self righteousness. Nora is a twenty first century mirror of the social deviants of the Catholic age, unmarried mothers, lads with long hair, gays.”

Cohen’s comments have come at an opportune time, after the findings of the Inspectorate for Mental Health Services on the standards of psychiatric care were published recently.

“This is going to be great” said Perez Hilton “You really are the last Victorians. Watching Borat and Bruno, you thought you were so un-American. Just wait till you see Nora chasing cigarettes on a fishing line. Now that all the money’s gone, you’ll be the laughing stock of the world again”

Nora is set for release in June 2010.

Bishop arrested for Cathederal Fire, Fine Gael mount Bandwagon

Bishop Colm O’Reilly of Ardagh and Clonmacnoise was arrested this evening on suspicion of Arson and Conspiracy to Commit Fraud. Fine Gael look set to respond with anti-clerical programme

Bishop Colm O’Reilly of Ardagh and Clonmacnoise seen here under arrest by Gardai.

Sources in the Church have revealed to us that the Christmas Eve Cathederal fire in Longford was planned and executed by the Bishop as part of an enormous money making scheme to provide for an institutional abuse fund.

The Ahern government struck a deal with the church in 2002, capping their indemnity at €138m when the bill was then close to ten times that figure. But sources in Fine Gael have hinted that a Kenny government would scrap the plan. As Ireland hurtles towards bankruptcy, trends suggest that anti-Clericalism will be the hottest political distraction accessory for 2010.

Marketing genius, Mancluar Shamall confirmed this. “Anti Clericalism is a really hot look right now. A Priest shaking hands with a sex offender in Kerry? A Woman rugby tackling the Pope in St. Peter’s? Minarets banned in Switzerland? Oh. Em. Jee. This is a gravy train Enda will not want to miss.”

And while Labour and Sinn Fein continue to bore the electorate with a watered down populism that doesn’t cater to their anger, a reinvented Fine Gael look set to wow them with anti-priest posters and legislation.

A spokesman for Young Fine Gael was forthcoming on the matter. “The posters were my idea in fact. We need a way to show the public we’re different and we think anti-clericalism is the way to go. We want the public to say ‘Fine Gael, now there’s a party that suits my lifestyle. There’s a party I can trust.’ We’re going for a whole new aesthetic and we’re rewriting the party history to reflect it. Remember W.T. Cosgrave? He was one of ours; the church called him a Freemason and a Jew. Well we’ll wear that as a badge of honour now.”

Bishop O’Reilly has already given sermons condemning the French Revolutionary Terror and with this latest stunt he looks set to become the ultimate reactionary bogeyman.

Do we get the whiff of priest sweat from forced labour camps?

“Well that’s a political matter honey,” winks Shamall “all I can tell you is what the public wants. Kenny was never known for his fashion sense, but there’s no way he can miss this one”

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